I’ve debated posting this as it’s tragic, but it’s real and it’s life and I think of it every. single. day. I don’t think of it nearly as much as the momma who is going through it nor do I live it, but it will be burned in my mind…forever. My dear friend lost her 10 month old a couple of weeks ago. The heart break is still no less than it was when it happened. Details aside, my heart hurts for her. Every. Single. Day. There was an investigation. Her daughter’s body was held for a few days before she was allowed to see her. Her daughter was not in her care when it happened. She wanted photographs of her and her husband seeing their beautiful baby for the first time and it will forever be burned in my heart and mind. I shot a wedding and a funeral in one day. I came home, collapsed on my baby and just sobbed all over her. I had two weddings that weekend and by the end of the weekend the tears just didn’t stop. The worst part is, as awful as I felt, my dear friend feels a million trillion times worse. My life with my also precious 10 month old is carrying on and her’s is at a stand still.
I used to be a more impatient mom. I used to scurry to get things done while my daughter played quietly on her own or watched a cartoon episode on tv. I used to need a break. I used to want “ME” time. I used to want to get away sometimes. I used to even want to just go to work full time sometimes instead of staying home, but this has changed everything. I will never look at sleeping baby as being sweet, ever again. Ever. I used to love watching my daughter sleep and now all I see is my dear friend crying over her “sleeping” baby who would never again take another breath. Now when my baby wants to stay up late instead of being so eager for the day to end, I just thank God she is awake. Every day I think about if this could be our last day together. My friend would give anything to have just one more day with her baby. Even on our worst day together, she would give anything to have her baby whining and clinging and nap striking.
In that small room, huddled together a small group of women with very young babies and I just kept sobbing that one of us should not be burrying our own. Forever in my mind will be her voice pleading for her baby to wake up begging for an answer as to why she did not wake up.